Hold The Phone

Okay.

Okay, I just need to take a moment here out of my busy day to just genuinely react to something I came across on Pinterest.
  

                     

I will not link to these images where they originated because I will be talking absolute shit about them.

Shotgun shells and Christianity. Shotgun shells AND JESUS. WHAT THE WHAT? I have never before seen such two contradictory images in my life and it just highlights the sheer utter fucking obliviousness that is modern day USA red-white-and fucking blue Christianity that we see in this country. I'm not Christian but what I do know of Christianity is that real Christianity should not use these tools of death and pain to exemplify their savior unless He met his end at the end of a shotgun barrel. These things have NOTHING in common. This project is stupid and if you happen to like this project I will not apologize because clearly you have some things to work out in your head. Yes, clearly Jesus would have been a member of the NRA according to American, gun-toting Christians.

No.
Just no. Stop it.  

Random Review: Applebee's

It has been nearly five years since I have chosen to darken the door of an Applebee's. After living in a small town in which fine dining was limited to Applebee's or the fancier alternative, Olive Garden, I was sick of the restaurant. 

The final straw came four years ago when my husband and I decided to try Applebee's once since we'd moved and got a sampler appetizer that seemed like a safe choice. How could one possibly fuck up boneless wings, mozzarella sticks, and a quesadilla? Well, someone surely discovered a way because it came to our cold and soaked in grease that had time to collect while the appetizer sat waiting to be delivered to our table.

"Never again, Applebee's" became our mantra for the next few years. 

Fast forward to now and I've been aptly fooled by various Applebee's commercials promising delicious meals at great prices. I was duped by the commercial steak that sizzled seductively on a grill as seasonings fell onto it like tasty confetti. Like an old boyfriend I thought, maybe he's changed? Maybe it won't be grotesque, cold slop delivered to me on a greasy plate? What if they've rebranded and their food is actually edible now?... I won't know unless I give it another chance. 

We arrived at Applebee's almost reluctantly and we fought the urge to yell at some customers returning to their car, "HEY! Was your food good?!" We all had hope that maybe Applebee's had finally grown up. After all, they're still in business they have to be doing something right? 

The new interior design gave us some hope as we arrived at our table to glance over the new menu. After deciding on an appetizer that didn't include the stomach-churning idea of cheeseburger egg rolls (*HORK*), the wonton chicken tacos arrived at our table on a weathered metal serving tray. Okay, okay it's not old... they're going for a rustic look. 

The tacos were passable, a little too sweet for my taste but edible even though they were very crumbly due to being made from wonton wrapping. 

Russ ordered a brunch burger that looked promising and I stuck with a chicken fiesta salad. You can't fuck up salad, right?

My salad arrived with hardly any chicken and covered in so much dressing that the salad was more like a slaw. Terrible. I kept comparing the price to Red Robin which is a far superior salad for the same $10.99. Russ complained that his burger was so salty, his tongue was nearly hurting. Despite being such a burger lover, he didn't even finish it. 

With tip this meal came to $44 and it will be the last dollar amount I ever spend at one of the worst chain restaurants in the country. I would probably lick the floor of a Chili's before I would touch another Applebee's entree. 

Source

#NoMakeup #WhoGivesAShit

Recently in the news the No Makeup Campaign has gained footing with Alicia Keys stepping forward to proclaim loudly to the world that she's going to stop wearing makeup.

#sobrave

I started wearing makeup shortly after my thirteenth birthday after years of watching my mom put on her makeup daily. Whether she was staying home all day or going out she'd always put on her "fake face," as she called it. I'm not sure if she felt pressure to appear put together or if it made her feel more put together but I cannot recall many days where she didn't have at least a little makeup on.

"Everyone needs a little makeup," she says. However, she never made me feel like I needed it. 

I guess that's the attitude I always grew up with- it just seemed like fun to wear makeup and experiment with it and I liked the way my face or eyelashes popped while wearing makeup. Wearing makeup always made me feel more put together and ready to face the day. I never felt pressure from the patriarchy or anyone else to wear makeup. Perhaps that's why it's difficult for me to get onboard with the #NoMakeup Campaign. I don't understand why it's such an important movement because from where I stand, no one really cares if someone wears makeup or not. I've never witnessed another person criticizing someone in real life for having a bare face.

Is it men pressuring women to wear makeup? Or, is it women pressuring other women to wear makeup?

Even if you have experienced this pressure, why do you give a shit what someone thinks about your face anyway? 

There are some women out there that have completely hijacked Feminism to become a whiny group of women who want to protest against micro aggressions and things that, in the grand scheme of things, do not matter. These women would criticize me because I choose to wear makeup even though doing whatever-the-fuck I want to with my face is the very basis of the true Feminist movement. These women would rather participate in #NoMakeup than worry about what the fuck has happened to abortion access and where the fuck paid maternity leave is. 

In that respect, I ascribe to the true Feminist tenant of "I'll do whatever I want, piss off!" That message has become perverted with the new wave of Feminism and annoying social media campaigns. In order to be a proper woman, according to new Feminism I have to 1) wear no makeup 2) breastfeed in public despite my feelings on the matter because if I don't, I'm a slave to the patriarchy and betraying the cause. These people do not care about equality but they only want to tell others, including other women, what to do. 

Wear makeup! Or don't! Why does anyone give a shit?! Why does everything need to be some social media movement where we all post #nomakeup selfies for mass approval on Instagram to have someone pat us on the back for supposedly feeling good about ourselves (the very existence of selfies proves we are craving approval from others). 

You can pry my Benefit They're Real! mascara out of my cold, dead hands. 

Where We Belong?

I didn't realize how much I'd miss Washington until now. During our final months in Washington, I was anxious to leave. Once your spouse receives orders somewhere else and that clock is ticking, you just want to go and get the move over with because it's so unsettling and stressful. Also, we were living in a tiny temporary apartment in Tacoma and both of those things are awful. We also had a storage unit broken into while we were living in the stinky armpit that is Tacoma so the memories tied to that place taint the entire last five months we were in the region. 

Add that to having to close my business and my mom relocating, our chapter in Washington was closing. We seemed to be done there and onto (I won't say bigger and better because how do you top a food truck in Seattle?) other things. 

Now we are in Virginia with normal, non-exciting lives just trying to work and find time to relax and do fun things. I no longer make my own schedule, answer emails to clients, or roll up in my beautiful truck with tasty things for people. I no longer bake amazing things or crawl underneath food trucks on the 405 to tie up exhaust pipes after catering for Google. Yes, that happened and I miss it. I had so much, we worked so hard, and now it's gone. 

The move has been good in some ways though. Russ has a less stressful job being off of a ship that was in the yards with terrible, terrible hours. We can afford a larger place on this side of the country (we pay about $200 more for an extra bedroom, bathroom, backyard, storage shed, and roughly 600 more square feet). I have a job and will be getting trained soon to move up and get paid more, hopefully. 

The reason all these feelings came flooding back recently is because I was on my way to work a few days ago and I popped in a CD and listened to a song that I played on our last drive out of Seattle (on that very freeway pictured) to Tacoma. I wanted to play something that would remind me of driving through the city and to remember that exact feeling. I felt some relief, relief that I could finally let go of my feelings of the food truck business and relief that we could move onto a new place and life. I felt sadness that we were leaving such an amazing place that has so many great things to do, see, and experience. I knew I'd miss the ferries, mountains and beautiful city but I didn't anticipate how much until I got here and things aren't as, for lack of a better word, cool.

Sure, the vegans, hipsters and potheads could be super annoying but Washington was such an exciting and progressive place. I remember being shocked when I first got there at the number of marijuana dispensaries and what is a bikini barista?!

And now we are here. I'm going to try and enjoy our lives here and see where the wind can take us next. I've been longing for the feeling of being somewhat settled because I've lived a nomadic existence for the last six years (we are now in our fifth house). But is the place we are supposed to settle here?

Random Review: Holiday Inn Boston

I normally really love Holiday Inn and have stayed in many of them over the course of my travels. I recently went to Boston and wanted to stay a little bit out of the city both for price and convenience (I wanted to visit Salem while I was there) so I thought Peabody would be a good fit. Upon arrival I was given a room number and checked in but the front desk clerks offered no other standard information that all hotel people give upon check-in. You know, "Check out is at 11, breakfast at 6-10, elevators over there." I just stood there awkwardly and asked where the elevator was. Whatever, that's fine. We reached our room, many bags in hand and ready to be unloaded. We unlock our door to walk-in and find someone else's belongings in the room already! We had been given someone else's room and the key that allowed us entrance! I left my travel mate in the room to head downstairs and hoped that the occupant didn't return to find him in his room! That would have been a very awkward scene. "Oh, I thought I locked you out already," the front desk clerk said. So we were finally given our real room. The next day we returned from our full day out in Boston and to a concert to find our room key didn't work. So I trudged back to the front desk once again and was informed that they hadn't activated the key long enough. Fine, whatever, just an annoying hassle especially since we were exhausted from such a long day. I give this hotel a 3 because it's not horrible, the room was pretty clean but the beds were extremely hard. I have never stayed in any Holiday Inn without a free breakfast either! What the hell is with that? I'm sorry but for $146 a night I should at least get some standard hotel-fare scrambled eggs, preservative-packed muffin, stale danish or at least a coffee! One of the elevators nearest our room was extremely slow to the point that we just gave up waiting for it and walked to the next one. Unfortunately we waited at the elevator long enough to hear someone loudly having sex in the room next to it. When we returned later the hallway reeked of pot from one of the rooms but that's no fault of Holiday Inn Peabody. The Carrabbas next to the hotel was pretty subpar. It was my first visit to the chain but will probably be the last. This whole visit can just be summed up in two letters: O-K. I've stayed in worse, definitely, but if you're looking for a regular Holiday Inn experience... this one is a little different.

Vegged Out

This year I will be 30 so I, of course, made an elaborate list of all the things I want to do before I exit my 20's. So far, nearly halfway into my last year I have pretty much failed at crossing anything off. Maybe that's my rebellious lazy way of saying, "My thirties won't change me!" Never mind, my procrastination and laziness isn't that planned. 


I always think that maybe one day I'll wake up and be an actual adult. The adult that goes to bed early and wakes up to exercise before starting the day. An adult that eats right, gets enough sleep, exercises and does all the things responsible adults do. An adult that meal plans, drinks smoothies for breakfast and doesn't eat like absolute shit. 

I'm the kind of adult that eats pretty much whatever, whenever because I'm busy. I also have odd hours and sometimes don't go to bed until 1-2 am. I try to get at least 7 hours of sleep a night, if I'm lucky, and I go to purposefully exercise at least once a month. I buy what I call "good intention fruit and vegetables" which are basically healthy foods I pick up at the store with the good intention of eating them and being healthier but I forget about them until they either start to smell and/or get slimy in my refrigerator. I throw them away and the cycle continues.  

I just wonder when the day will be that being a good adult will just click for me and I'll just be good at it. I love staying up and loathe the mornings because the majority of people are awake and one of my prime objectives in life is to avoid the majority of people. Eating right takes planning and time and I'd rather spend my time doing pretty much anything else in the world. 

Maybe one day my priorities will change, right? I'm still waiting to wake up that one morning and feel like a grown up. 

Pissing Me Off Currently: Facebook Memes

Everyone's got a poignant Facebook meme to back up their political, cultural, and religious opinion, don't they? If you have a relative on Facebook, especially an older relative that doesn't quite understand the phrase that we all learned growing up in the internet age, "Don't believe everything on the internet," you know what I'm talking about. The majority of us youngsters learned this lesson when our teachers in school would scold us for using Wikipedia as a valid source for anything- any asshole can make and change a Wikipedia page and that privilege extends all over the web.

With the rise of Facebook there has also been a rise of misinformation that spreads like wildfire over the pages of everyone's scared older relatives who think that the bottom of a cup at In-N-Out says "Hail Satan" and that gun statistics can be boiled down to a simple, easily digestible infographic with questionable sources that can be completely obliterated with a simple search on the Google machine. 

Call me an asshole but I don't let people get away with such things. Here's my order of thinking once I see one of these scaredy-cat memes:

1.) My initial reaction, "What? No- that's ridiculous, how can this be true?"
2.) Open another tab and enter a quick search on Google.
3.) Snopes, my old friend, there you are.
4.) No surprise, this meme is fucking false.
5.) Post link to the Snopes article without any other commentary. 
6.) Roll my eyes. 

Why does everyone take these statistics as truth when they come from a source as unreliable as the other dicks on Facebook?!

There is already much debate on the effects of Facebook and other social media and how these mediums are shaping our culture. In the past, if you wanted to find out if your neighbor was a racist or misogynist, you had to wait until you heard something mumbled under his breath or put your ear against his wall to see what you could overhear. Today, all you have to do is take a look at ones history on Facebook to see that he shared or liked something from the "White Pride" page.

Everything nowadays is a soundbite or a shared meme. They're all huge ideas boiled down into small, easily digestible and sharable parts. That's dangerous because it leaves no room for any nuance. It makes everything in our world a black or white issue. You're either Republican or Democrat, pro-choice or anti-choice, or Christian or Atheist. I think social media and the quick spread of ideas has caused our country and our world to become more divided. Our national discourse is at a third grade level and if you need any proof all you have to do is look toward the presumed Republican presidential nominee, Donald Trump. I think that's the most terrifying sentence I've ever typed in my life. And with that as our possible leader, a man with such thin skin that when offended he hurls insults like he's on the playground, it's only going to get worse.