Random Review: Danielle's Golden Face Mask

If I could stop just one person from purchasing this mask, my life would be absolutely complete. 


I found this at Kohl's today in the beauty section and was intrigued by the product. It's 24k gold and I obviously felt that I am worthy of such a luxurious experience. So, I bought it for $10 which I thought was a value because I would be able to use it many more times to reap the benefits of "cell renewal stimulation and anti-aging."


This evening after relaxing and watching TV I thought I would try my purchase. The gelatin texture felt cooling as I spread it over my unsuspecting skin. It felt refreshing and I poured myself a cup of coffee while waiting the 15-20 minutes for my ultimate rejuvenating experience. It took a while to dry but I was determined to wait to get the best results.  


I strongly suspect that John Travolta and Nicolas Cage, stars of the 1997 film, Face/Off, would strongly approve of this product. I feel like nothing short of the force of a jet engine would remove this mask from my epidermis. In the process of peeling it from my skin, I did not feel like my skin was renewed, well, not in the classic sense anyway. I feel like the only reason my facial cells will be motivated to renew would be because they have to replace all the skin on my face as I have now removed it. 


"Removes dead skin and dirt," the package ways. That's quite accurate though I would like to include, "Removes alive and dead skin, dirt, demonic possessions, curses, hopes and dreams, and hair." Yes, hair. I do not consider myself a hairy woman but with the force that this mask removed any shred of peach-fuzz, I might as well have been The Bearded Lady. 
My eyes watered involuntarily nearly halfway through and I had to give myself a pep talk to remove the rest. I remembered the words of Rocky Balboa, "Life's not about how hard of a hit you can give... it's about how many you can take, and still keep moving forward." I just had to get this mask of my face, I couldn't let it beat me! 


So now I sit in the afterglow of my successful mask removal, cheeks flushed red not in the thrill of victory but of the immense irritation my skin has suffered. 


Yeah, don't buy this thing.

One of Danielle's satisfied customers! Just look at how rejuvenated his skin looks!